After 4 years of being in a relationship with someone, I saw my future with it ended. This blog isn't going to include the graphic details of my relationship or a bitch fest. Nor is it a sympathy request.
When you've been with someone a long time or you find someone you have a strong connection with, you begin to imagine a future. A future together. You plan your life with that person. You make decisions around that person. So when suddenly that person isn't there anymore, your mind doesn't know how to cope. For the first week, I felt lifeless. I felt like a body with no real existence. I felt pointless. My friends and family were insane. They kept me going when I didn't know how. It's true that an end of a relationship really shows you who your true friends are. People spoke to me who I haven't seen in a year/s. They made me realise that it's okay to feel shit. It's okay to not know what to do or how to feel. They told me not to be so hard on myself and that if I needed to cry then I should cry and if I wanted to smile I should smile. There's no right or wrong. But time is a healer.
When people tell you time is a healer you just want to scream in their face, FUCK YOU. Because at that time you feel like it can never get better. But it's true, time helps. Don't get me wrong, a couple weeks/months won't have you feeling like your normal self again. But you will cry less and you will smile more as the days go on. However you will have bad days, but the bad days will also be met with good days. You will smile again and you will laugh. On the days you feel like crying, cry. But not for too long. Make sure you pick yourself up. And talk. Talking helps.
Nearly 2 months have passed and I can't actually believe it. It still feels so fresh. But at the same time, I can see a difference in myself. I feel stronger. And I've learnt to put myself first, although I am struggling. I'm finding myself feeling insecure and my social anxiety creeping in. Worrying that I'm becoming a burden or people are getting fed up with me. To add to this, I feel like my whole future has just crumbled. I have 6 months to decide what the fuck am I doing with my life. And believe me, 6 months isn't long when you're going to be working 45.5 hour weeks plus writing countless essays and trying to somehow keep your bank balance in the green. I am scared. No, actually I am petrified. But at the same time, I feel like the worst has happened so really nothing else can make this any harder. I've got my goal and I'm just going to work towards it. I may be scared, but I know I am strong. I know I can do this. And the negative thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not facts.
You are your own happiness and you are the author of your life. So if you're not happy, change it. Do something. Don't sit there and pretend. Because life is too short to spend it unhappy and unfulfilled. Just because everyone else is popping out babies and getting engaged doesn't mean you have to too. We all have our own clock and fuck societies expectations. I'm 22. I'm single. And I'm still in education. I live in a house share and none of that is about to change anytime soon. It makes me laugh that I thought as a child I'd have my shit together by now, marriage and children!? No thank you. I absolutely love my nieces and nephew, but that's enough right now. And bounding myself to one person for the rest of my life. PFFFT. Like I said I am still a child. I want to live. I want to find myself. I want to go wherever life takes me. So right now wasn't my time, and that's okay. But that doesn't mean I am some unlovable human being like I told myself I was.
I am me. And that's just perfectly fine.
P.S to all my girls out there who may be going through it or have been through it, Destiny's child really helps! #femaleboss
