The Experience

Sometimes in life we don’t know what we want, our fears & insecurities skew our visions. We think we want something but we’re not sure? - Well I hope I’m not alone in this. - Every situation has to be weighed up until the final decision is made. Do we? Or don’t we? Moving to London was definitely something I’ve always had in mind; it’s always been a dream however I never thought it would become reality so quickly. I was scared at first. Scared of the change, scared I wouldn’t adapt to my new way of life, scared I wouldn’t be able to find a job, scared I wouldn’t make any friends, scared I wouldn’t like the city, scared I wouldn’t stay in contact with close friends, scared it would strain mine & my boyfriends relationship to the limit, scared of every situation.

However as scared as I may have been it didn’t stop me. I did it. I adapted fairly quickly to my new very independent life style, no mummy to cook me dinners & wash my clothes, no daddy to pick me up or drop me off whenever I felt like it. No car to jump in, if I just fancied going for a drive to see my boyfriend or friends. No one I cherished close by, but that’s how you get the most out of the experience. You have to put yourself out there! I reapplied for my job at B&Q in London & was thankfully successful, not only did I get the job, I only was stuck to working on a Wednesday so I could come home to Devon whenever I liked. Win. Also to my surprise made a bunch of lovely friends that made the whole process easier. When you’re hundreds of miles away from the people that mean everything to you, you have to learn that it’s not a case of having friends at home and no friends here, it’s about getting to know people and not being scared, especially when everyone is in the same position. London it’s self is full of perks & downfalls, I can’t get over how easy it is to gain access to everywhere. If I want anything, I bet you it’s on the same road as I live on and if not it’s probably a few tubes stops away. Yes the tube is daunting at first, when you’re 5ft2 & you have men ramming at you with suitcases and women bashing you with their handbags, but you get used to that. So don’t worry. I’m learning to fight my place on the tube; I’m a proper Londoner now. Oh and never stand on the left hand side of escalator because you’re just asking for trouble. Also I’m never sure whether to smile at people on London transport or just to do the standard, I have no soul kind of look. To be honest with you 99.9% of people go for the second one, however it does make my day when I see someone happy on the tube. It’s that rare. Talking of weird occurrences I was especially looked at weirdly when I said thanks to the bus driver, never again. Apparently Londoners don’t do manners, apart from when they sorry when they purposely walk into you. Just makes no sense if you ask me.

Without moving to London I wouldn’t have been able to gain these experiences, shopping on Oxford Street, okay some of you may not find that very amazing but to the girls who love shopping like me, oh it’s so worth it. Going on the London Eye with my boy for Valentines Day for the first time at night with the pretty lights and going to the theatre in Convent Gardens. Oh and experiencing TGI Fridays, godly. I do recommend going if you have one near you. I also wouldn’t have met some lovely ladies who I have thoroughly enjoyed playing netball with for the past few weeks. I wouldn’t have been able to go to the London Aquarium to see the fishies. London has so much to offer, so much to do. And I’m only just getting started. Although my first year is coming to a near end, I am sure my second year will have some more surprises install for me. Not only did I build up the courage to move miles away from my home county. I had to move away my boyfriend, family & best friends. University truly shows you who care about you and who will support you wherever you are. I was nervous I’d come home to no friends, however that really wasn’t the case. Thank god. They have all been right behind me. Of course I miss all of you dearly and there are days where I wish I could just click my fingers and I could be with you. But I think.. I truly believe for once in my life I’m doing the right thing. It’s good to do things you’re scared of, because really why be scared? There’s nothing to fear. And this is a conclusion I’m finally coming to grips with, do what makes you happy, take every opportunity in your stride and remember never fear. As long as you’re happy and you’re doing what you believe is right, go for it.

Have I let myself down?

So this post isn't supposed to be depressing, however it is supposed to answer my question, have I let myself down? I can't help but think I have. In more than one way. I feel as if I could've achieved more however fears have gotten in the way, or pure laziness and lack of determination. I want to succeed and I want to make my stamp, however don't we all. We all dream of being remembered and being something special. However we can all dream it doesn't mean it'll happen. As a young girl I had dreams, many dreams that have felt so far away & out of my reach. University felt like a life time away and so did college and finishing school, yet that's been & gone. I was proud of the grades I left school with & I felt I deserved every single one. No I didn't get all A's but to say I even achieved an A & an A* in one of maths exams & left school with an A* in drama after all of my hard work, it felt amazing. But that's where I feel I went wrong. I planned to go to college to study Drama, Philosophy, Psychology, Graphics & even participate in the Netball academy. However this didn't happen. I was talked out of studying drama & encouraged to take English language instead, although my grade for English at GCSE was only a B this would apparently look far more credible to universities. I was gutted at first however I've always loved English, but being average was never good enough for me, I always wanted better. So I was a little unsure at first. To add to this I decided against joining the netball academy, I felt I wasn't good enough, I felt like I wouldn't fit in, I felt like I wasn't fit enough & it would only distract me from my studies. It was okay I still got to play for fun, so I was happy. Although sometimes I wish I had taken the opportunity up. Maybe I was being harsh on myself, maybe I was good enough? However I will never know.

My first year of college, I struggled. Why I even thought taking Philosophy was a good decision I will never know. I thought I'd perceive life differently afterwards, I thought it would make an important, positive impact. I couldn't have been anymore wrong. Focusing on this lead to me not focusing on my other subjects, my more important subjects & I had nothing to show for it. The extra effort never worked, I still did awful & there was nothing I could do to change that. A year completely wasted. Year 2 was catch up time & absolutely shit my pants time. At the end of this academic year I was going to University. SAY WHAT. Me, Shannon Victoria Cutting would be moving out, miles away from my family & friends. No. However yes, that is what happened. So I dropped philosophy, thank god. I did have a few laughs & a few successful moments, however it wasn't worth the end result. Graphics I put my heart and soul into it & got a grade I deserved. And then there was psychology. I really needed to do something special here. But I just couldn't do it. I feared the exams & didn't revise until it was too late. My long term memory wasn't holding anything in & I walked away with a grade I was ashamed of. The girl studying psychology at university could hardly cope with A-level psychology. What the fuck was I doing. But I had/have a dream. I want to help people. I want to make a difference. I want people to understand mental illnesses for what they really are and how they can tear people apart. I want to help someone overcome their darkest days & see into the light. So what if I didn't do well in a few exams? It doesn't mean I'm stupid. Yes I could have done better, but we've all had a time in our life when we know we could have done better, we know we could have worked harder.

So choosing universities. Someone could have given me a hat of names & I would have chosen any & probably would have been happy that the decision was over. I was scared. I didn't do my research. All I did was find a place that would accept me with what I knew I would achieve. I never thought I'd achieve three B's, not for a single second and I was right. But was I right to never try? I just didn't want to get rejected, I didn't want it to get to the end of summer & me still be stuck at Exeter college while all my friends were achieving and succeeding. The fear of not being good enough, once again got in my way. I had no fourth AS to rely on after failing philosophy all I had was my three a-levels, I was determined to do my best. But my best wasn't really good enough. So I picked some universities with the idea of an adventure, to explore. To put myself out there. London Metropolitan being my end destination. Maybe not a university high in the table, but what can I do now. I'm here and I have to make the most out of it. But there are days where I wish I could turn back time & changes things. I wish I wasn't so scared, I wish I didn't hide from my exams or hide from the reality that I was going to university. At the end of the day no-one forced me, however I felt like I had no other choice. I felt if I took a gap year I'd just waste my time, I just wanted to get in & out of university. But why? Why was I so stupid. This is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, not something you dread. All I want is to be successful, happy, loved & never have to worry about money. Money can cause so many problems. So much unneeded stress, I don't want that in my life. I don't want to worry. I just want to make people happy. Although making sure I'm happy would probably work best for me first.

So yes I have let myself down. But I am determined to change. I am determined to make a difference & turn around this situation. So I have to let go of my insecurities and my worries, I have to try harder & do what makes me happy. Therefore as Pumbaa & Timon would say Hakuna Matata, it means no worries. I can't keep dwelling on things that can't be changed. I just have to focus on the here & now.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.