8 Essentials for a perfect winters night in!

It's the 2nd of December and Christmas is edging nearer, the cold, dark nights have most definitely begun and it's the perfect time to have a night in to yourselves or with your friends. So here are my 8 essentials for a puuur-fect winter's night in.

The first key thing I do at the beginning of my relaxing evening is put on some comfy, fresh lounge wear. So here I've chosen a big bed tee from Topshop because these are my favourite things to wear to bed! And I've paired it with some cute, novelty cat socks from Asos. Because who doesn't love christmas cat socks?!

My next step is to light some candles in my bedroom and turn of my main light and put on some cute fairy lights to set the relaxing atmosphere. As it's nearly christmas I chose a very festive candle to get me in the festive spirit.

Once the atmosphere is set I make myself a delicious hot chocolate in my favourite mug - I found this cute mug on Anthropologie after seeing it in a youtube video by Fashionrocksmysocks! At the moment I'm in love with Costa's white hot chocolate, so thought Whittard's white hot chocolate would be a good substitute while at home. Always make sure to add whipped cream, small marshmallows and white chocolate drops on top for the perfect hot chocolate.

While I sit back and enjoy that I'll put on one of my favourite christmas films or find a playlist on spotify to listen to while I happily apply my face mask. I chose The Grinch because it has to be up there with my all time favourites. I'm also really keen to try the cupcake face mask from lush, it smells absolutely amazing.

To finish the evening why not jump into a warm, bumble bath and use a cute novelty bath bomb, you can even do this while watching your film if you fancied it. I personally prefer to watch mine in bed with a cosy blanket but both are very tempting.

So that's my essentials for a perfect, winters night in!! What's yours?

Much love,

Shannon ❤

Mental Health #1

Mental health is a topic not many like to discuss. It can cause people to feel on edge, uncomfortable, anxious and many other negative emotions. However it is a topic that I feel needs to be talked about, talked about until it loses this horrible stigma. Not one person should feel embarrassed about suffering from a mental health problem, but the brutal reality is lots of people do. Lots of people face these problems completely alone and never make it out to see the other side. 1 in 4 people in the UK will suffer from a mental health problem each year. That is a large amount of people. You may even know someone who is suffering right now, someone who could even be very close to you. Some people may think that is a ridiculous concept. That someone you love is going through pain and they haven’t told you. But the truth is it happens all the time and it will keep happening if the world doesn’t change their unsympathetic out look on mental health.

If a person were to treat someone with a physical illness like the majority of the population treat people with a mental illness then they’d be looked at in disgust. An individual slowly dying of cancer being told to “man-up” or even just an individual suffering from food poisoning being told to stop over reacting. Yet if a person suffers from anxiety, then they should just be able to over come it. After all they just want attention right? Or someone that suffers from bipolar being told to just act normal, to stop exaggerating. Do you not think day by day these people already want to detach themselves from this illness without people adding to it, just reiterating the fact that ‘their kind’ isn’t accepted in society?

Why does society not accept these people? Why don’t we help them? Is it due to the large population of people who claim to have a mental illness, be it anxiety, depression, phobias, personality disorder; the list goes on. Some people believe that ‘mental illnesses’ are becoming a social trend. It’s merely just young individuals who are seeking attention due to the changes their body is going through. However what if it’s not? What if we are disregarding people that need our help but we are just too blind and arrogant to see it. Would you be able to forgive yourself if your arrogance got the better of you and someone you cared about suffered.

I understand sometimes it’s difficult to believe people or to comprehend that someone you love is suffering and you don’t make a difference. The truth is you do make a difference; you make a huge difference. You could be the glue that’s holding that person together. Just because someone is depressed doesn’t mean they can’t experience happy moments and it works the other way round too, just because someone is smiling doesn’t mean they’re never sad or never experience moments of depression or feel anxious etc. The reality is the people that appear the happiest, may not be as happy as they let you perceive. These people may be just putting on a ‘brave face’.

People put on ‘brave faces’ for lots of reasons; they don’t want to attract attention, they’re scared of what people will say/do, they’re concerned they’ll be judged and shunned. It’s not fair that any body should feel they have to put on a ‘brave face’ for someone else. They should be able to turn to someone and let it out. We shouldn’t judge others who are suffering, we should be there encouraging them to get better, offering our selves to be a helping hand. It’s easy to just assume that someone is pretending that they’re mentally ill. It’s easy just to send hate across the Internet telling them to ‘slit their wrists’ or ‘go die’, but that’s not humane. That’s disgusting! Who are we to tell someone else to end his or her life?! To harm themselves?! We have no right. So maybe that person was pretending to gain attention and I’m not saying that’s acceptable. But what if right now they’re actually suffering from the abuse they’re getting. What if right now they’re becoming depressed? What if they only wanted attention from others because they didn’t get any attention from home? Although they haven’t done the right thing, do they really deserve these words of hatred? Words can have serious consequences. And that’s what I want people to understand. Words have consequences. And people have feelings. Everyone has different levels of emotion and we should respect that. So please, stop and think before you speak and judge.

Here is to one step forward. To one step closer to society understanding and respecting mental illnesses. Join me in this stand.

Thank you,

Shannon

Remember your health comes before anything!

There's always that one person who states the obvious.

My Very Yummy Nutella Cupcakes!

So as most of you know I'm a very keen baker, so I thought I'd share with you my latest recipe find. NUTELLA CUPAKES! Who doesn't love Nutella right?! You're crazy if you don't.  - Just kidding, please don't leave!

So for this you need..

Ingredients

100g Plain flour

20g Cocoa powder

140g Caster Sugar

1.5 tsp of Baking powder

A pinch of salt

100ml Milk

1 Egg

120g Nutella - Or a substitute, 

so any hazelnut chocolate spread!

*Okay so you might find it weird that there's no butter/margarine in this recipe, but don't worry they taste great as I found out. Long story short I read the recipe wrong & put nutella in the cupcakes instead of butter. Easy mistake when the recipe says "now add nutter" like wth is nutter. 

So once you've got all your ingredients weighed out you need a few utensils. 

Utensils

1 bowl

Scales

1 spoon

12 Cupcake cases

Now let's move on to the good bit.. method!

Method

❤  Preheat the oven to 170°C (325°F) & line 12-hole cupcake tray with cases or just silicone cupcakes like me! So cool, or at least I think they are. #bakingnerd



❤  Put the flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, sugar, salt and Nutella in a bowl. Then either using a handheld electric whisk mix the ingredients together, however I haven't tried it with a spoon as yet or a manual whisk but I'm sure it'd work just the same! However my handheld electric whisk is a little godsend! Thanks Mumma!

❤  Next gradually add in the milk and the egg until you get a smooth consistency.

❤  Finally pop equal amounts of mixture into the cupcake cases & pop them in the oven for 20 minutes and watch them rise beautifully! To check if they're fully cooked you should be able to touch one and the sponge will bounce back. - Be warned this could be messy as displayed below.



❤  Now finally take them out & leave them to cool on a cooling rack! And last but definitely not least, EAT & ENJOY!!

Much love,

Shannon ❤ 

Autumn Make-up

So I'm not going to pretend I'm some expert when it comes to applying make-up -because I'm not! - but I will happily admit that I love it & I'm a little bit addicted to buying it! So I thought I'd share with you my everyday Autumn make-up look.

Here's the final look & below is the make-up I used. If you want to find out how I got this look then carry on reading! 

So firstly I begin with the Bourjous 123 Perfect Foundation in shade Vanilla No. 52. I think this is the perfect shade for my skin tone, it doesn't make me look too pale or like I've just rolled around in orange paint. It also has a really nice consistency & would say it has a light to medium coverage.

Next I apply the Collection's Lasting Perfection Concealer in shade Fair 1. There isn't a large variety of shades in this concealor however I think it's perfect for me & is must have for every girl's make-up bag. I normally apply this on any blemishes, under my eyes & around my t-zone.

After I've applied my foundation and concealor I set it with Bourjous's healthy balance matte powder, also in shade Vanilla No. 52. I've only just started using this powder & just beginning to find out if it works with my skin or not. So far so good though.

Then I use Natural collection blush in Peach melba. I really like how this blush has a tint of a bronze within it, perfect for a natural autumn look.

I also contour slightly with Rimmel Bronzing Compact Powder in Medium matte. This is a good colour for my fair complexion.

Once all my face make-up is complete, I move onto my brows & eyes. I start by using the MUA Eyeshadow palette - Heaven & Earth. Taking an eye brow brush and a dark brown shade from the palette I just apply it to my brows to just enhance them. Because I have fairly dark, full eye brows I don't tend to do much to them. I then take a lighter brown shade and apply it to the lid & then a dark shade & apply it to the crease. Just using a real techniques brush to blend it in.

After applying the shadow, I use the Soap & Glory Supercat Liquid Black eye liner and apply it to my top lid. 

And finally I finish off my eyes with Models own eye lash curlers and applying a few coats of Seventeen Falsifieye HD mascara in Blackest black. This mascara is a new buy but I love how it doesn't clump my eye lashes together like a lot of mascaras.

I then finish off my look with Soap & Glory's Smooth Operator lip balm & apply Rimmel's lasting finish lipstick in Birthday Suit.

If you made it this far, THANK YOU! I appreciate anyone who reads any of posts & I hope you'll stick around with me as I grow. 

Much love,

Shannon x

Autumn Wish List 2014 #1

So here's one of my first fashion related posts. My Autumn Wishlist 2014.

1. Large Yankee Candle in Snow flake - £14.99

2. Avon SuperExtend Liquid Eye liner - £4.00

3. Zoella Fizz bar - £5.00

4. Lush Snow Fairy Shower gel - £11.95

5. H&M Cropped Polar Neck Jumper - £14.99

6. Urban Decay Naked Palette 2 - £37.00

7. Rimmel Kate Moss Lipstick in 107 - £5.49

8. Large Cat Wash Bag - £18.00

Shannon x

I did what I always wanted.

I did what I always wanted. I got my stuff together, I kicked my anxiety in the face and I got up and moved. I didn’t just move to a small town or a slightly bigger city, I moved to the largest city in the UK. The busiest city; the most anxiety-provoking city I could have chosen. I moved to 'the big smoke'. I was scared, but that was the whole point. I needed to be. I had to push myself and ask myself what was I going to lose. The answer; nothing, I lost nothing. But I gained something; confidence. It’s okay to be scared or to feel lost. But you can’t hide. If we always knew what was around the corner then we’d never do anything. If bad times never happened we’d never appreciate the good times. They out weigh one another.

I’m only young but I’m learning. I’m learning that things may appear scary at times but really there’s nothing to be scared of, because being scared doesn’t help. Worrying doesn’t help. You can’t be happy if you’re always concerned about what other people think of you, always getting caught up on other people’s opinions of yourself. The only real opinion that matters is you. If you think something is right, then you stand your ground and you hold that view. Don’t let others bring you down. Life is too short to be concerned about the people that hurt you. These people need to be taken out of the picture. Because these people are only harming you, they’re not helping you to grow and prosper.

You need to give yourself a break. People like you, some people even more than like you, they love you. So stop dwelling on them. Stop dwelling on these negative thoughts. If you want something you just have to put that fear aside and go for it. I want to be successful and I want to help. So I put my fears aside and I tried. These actions recently lead me to my next steps on my journey. I got the job. I’m now working for Hartwig Care Ltd. And I’m going to make a difference. I’m going to help. If all goes to plan I have my two days of intense training this coming weekend and even though I’m scared, I’m excited and I’m proud. I’m proud that for once I didn’t let my anxiety ride in the drivers seat. I’m proud that I set myself a goal and I achieved it. I always knew deep down I could do it but I was always too scared to try, to put myself out there. However life is all about challenging yourself and taking each day in your stride and learning from every second of your existence. So please don’t be scared. Don’t let your fears run your life.

The mental barrier known as the mind.

Having mental barriers holds you back in life. Sometimes you feel you overcome these barriers, these are known as the 'good days' and other days you feel that these barriers are made of such materials that they can never be broken, these are the 'bad days'. The good days are good, however on these days you still wonder if that barrier that was once there will appear again. Then you have a bad day and you feel as if these barriers will never disappear. You feel as if a 'good day' no longer exists, no longer is capable. The mind is a powerful thing, it can persuade you of anything.. if you let it. If you give your mind the power to fear, it will fear, if you give your mind the power of strength and courage, it will produce strength and courage.

Most, if not every human being has a fear or insecurity, whether it be a fear of a certain object or activity, or a particular place. We all have insecurities. What separates us is the mind. It's whether we take our fears and use them to our advantage or let them take over every inch of us. We need to take control of our mind. We can't let our insecurities run our lives. Theres no perfect way to live. And stop searching for a book with all the answers. Because it doesn't exist. But you exist and you know what makes you happy. So for once listen to the part of you that puts yourself first and roll with it. Not every day will be easy, but I can promise you that every day will have something to smile about. Big or small. So break those barriers and smile. And always remember that you'll have 'good days' and you will have 'bad days' but things always improve. And that feeling you're feeling, that emptiness it will go away. People do love you. People do care about you. And you are important. Even if right now you do not think it. And even if right now you think no-one could possibly care for you. I do. I care.

Deep love is better than wide love.

So today I went to the cinema with my best friend Chloe to watch 'The Fault In Our Stars' (which I highly recommend for anyone who likes a good cry) and I was on my way home and some of the messages in the film made me really want to write a blog. So here I am, sat in my newly decorated extra cosy bedroom writing this. This blog begins with an important message, a message I think a lot of people forget, even myself. So I ask you now, is it more important to be loved deeply by an individual/few individuals or loved slightly by many. We often go through life in a battle to impress others, to please others, often forgetting what we have right in front of us. You'll commonly see everyone sharing their lives with others all over Facebook, being proud of what they've got or achieved, and looking for the approval of others. Also known as the 'like' button. This little button does a lot. For instance if you've just shared with all your 'friends' on your Facebook that you are not happy and no one even blinks twice at you and you just get that one person who 'likes this'. But really they're just sharing your misery because they feel the same. My point is we are all far too concerned of what others think of our lives and us. We have to make sure everyone knows that we are 'happy'. But the happiest people tend to be those behind the closed doors not sharing their every moment with their 1000 Facebook 'friends', the ones who are not searching for approval, the ones who are just content with their lives and where they are on their journey. Don't get me wrong I think Facebook is great! I believe it's a good way of keeping in contact with people and it is lovely to share how you are getting on with your friends and sharing pictures. But when it's done for the right reasons. So this leads me back to my key message. We all want to leave a mark on this earth, we all want to be successful and achieve great things. However at the end of the day if we are only loved by a few but those few are our everything and the love is deep, then we should be grateful. Because one deep love is worth much more then the small love of many. And right now I'm learning and understanding that message, if someone loves you, if someone cares for you, they will always be there. And the one’s that are always there will fulfill the love of all those others that walked away and more.

Year 1, I’ve nearly made it.

So it’s the 8th May 2014 and 22 days left and I’ve made it. I will have officially made it through my first year of university. And where the hell has the time gone, it feels like yesterday I was leaving Exeter and travelling up to London, saying good-bye to my family and saying hello to the big, new city. It feels surreal. I was so scared, so nervous, not knowing what to expect. Some weeks were tough, as I’ve shared with you before. Spraining my ankle twice, coming down with food poisoning, every electrical device I owned breaking on me and of course missing all my amazing friends, family and boyfriend made it all a lot harder! However I can say at 18, I moved out, I moved to the capital of England, I began my next educational journey to success and I did this on my own. Your parents, friends, partners can’t hold your hand forever, especially when they’re hundreds of miles away from you, sometimes you have to build up the courage to do things on your own. I never thought I could move out at the age of 18, I still feel like a child and I’m 19 tomorrow. I don’t think you ever grow up. Your body ages but your mind doesn’t. You just learn more lessons and your surroundings change. As people we grow, we change and we learn. I feel that life is a test, a test of determination, life can throw anything at you, and you never truly know what’s around the corner or where your life is heading.

Yesterday I was speaking to a man at work that I actually admire, he’s in his mid 70’s and has recently lost his wife. He loved her more than anything. He was always speaking about her and he still does. She may not be physically right next to him but I believe mentally she is. And yesterday he told me something he got told when he was a boy, “one thing you should never wish for Shannon is the future, never say I can’t wait until next week, next month or even next year, because you won’t realise how fast your life will go, it will go within a blink of the eye and you need to live your life like every moment could be your last.” He truly lives by what he was told. He may have lost the love of his life, but he still smiles, he still works and he isn’t dwelling, he is living. He is someone who I admire.

In a few weeks I will be leaving B&Q Cricklewood as I head back to Exeter for the summer and I don’t know if I will ever see him again, but I will always remember him. I may be fortunate and see him again at the end of the year when I head back to London in September but this isn’t definite. However I will always remember his words.

So 22 days to go and 4 exams to do. Motivation and determination is key if I’m going to get anywhere. I will give it my best shot and hope there is a greater force looking over me because I do not want to chuck my opportunities out the window. I want to complete this degree and feel proud. I want to be able to tell every individual that I did well and you can too, if you just try.

Independent living doesn’t come easy, well not to everyone anyway. I’m pretty fortunate that I have parents who have brought me up with the ability to be independent. I was encouraged to get a job as soon as I turned 16, therefore learning the importance and value of money. If I want something I have learnt I have to work for it and nothing just appears in the palm of your hand. I was taught how to cook and how to clean, you’d think at the age of 18 everyone would know how to do these basic life skills however university proves different. It’s apparent that not everyone gets taught these basic skills or even basic morals.

This year has taught me that independence is important, however you’re never alone because the people who truly love and care for you, will always be there. Although some people will drift from you and at first it feels difficult but the end results shows you who really appreciates you. It has also taught me, never stop trying. If you want something go get it. But make sure you try. Nothing good comes easy.

So here is to nearly one year down and two to go!

Respect, what happened?

What happened to having respect for yourself? What happened to having respect for others? Why are people treating others as inanimate beings? We all have feelings, thoughts and emotions. We are all different, we all enjoy different things and we are all deserving of respect from others for being ourselves. However if being yourself is sleeping with different guys/girls whenever you feel like it and using them to please you, you don’t deserve respect. People aren’t invented to be used and abused, we’re here to love and care. Instead of finding yourself at a different person’s house every weekend, why don’t you give that person a thought that actually cares about your feelings? Or why not look in the mirror and see what you’ve become, I wouldn’t be proud of that. Having sex or giving oral to people who you don’t even know the name of is nothing to be proud about. Teaching the younger generations to become animals is not something we should want our generation to be remembered for. We should be working towards peace and happiness, as cliché as it sounds. I feel most happy when I feel loved. Not used. I feel most happy when I’m not alone, when I have people, kind people around me. And I think you all will too. I’m not saying when you become an adolescent you should settle down and find the person you’re going to marry, I’m not saying don’t enjoy yourself, I’m just saying respect yourself and respect others. We as males and females are equal, not one sex out does the other, and we each have talents and things that make us important to others. We should cherish this. So do something for everyone, learn to love people for the fact that they are a person, not for the fact you can abuse them. Just respect yourself and respect others, it's not difficult. You were given a body to to cherish not abuse. So cherish it.

It's a man's job to respect a woman, but it's a woman's job to give him something to respect.

The Experience

Sometimes in life we don’t know what we want, our fears & insecurities skew our visions. We think we want something but we’re not sure? - Well I hope I’m not alone in this. - Every situation has to be weighed up until the final decision is made. Do we? Or don’t we? Moving to London was definitely something I’ve always had in mind; it’s always been a dream however I never thought it would become reality so quickly. I was scared at first. Scared of the change, scared I wouldn’t adapt to my new way of life, scared I wouldn’t be able to find a job, scared I wouldn’t make any friends, scared I wouldn’t like the city, scared I wouldn’t stay in contact with close friends, scared it would strain mine & my boyfriends relationship to the limit, scared of every situation.

However as scared as I may have been it didn’t stop me. I did it. I adapted fairly quickly to my new very independent life style, no mummy to cook me dinners & wash my clothes, no daddy to pick me up or drop me off whenever I felt like it. No car to jump in, if I just fancied going for a drive to see my boyfriend or friends. No one I cherished close by, but that’s how you get the most out of the experience. You have to put yourself out there! I reapplied for my job at B&Q in London & was thankfully successful, not only did I get the job, I only was stuck to working on a Wednesday so I could come home to Devon whenever I liked. Win. Also to my surprise made a bunch of lovely friends that made the whole process easier. When you’re hundreds of miles away from the people that mean everything to you, you have to learn that it’s not a case of having friends at home and no friends here, it’s about getting to know people and not being scared, especially when everyone is in the same position. London it’s self is full of perks & downfalls, I can’t get over how easy it is to gain access to everywhere. If I want anything, I bet you it’s on the same road as I live on and if not it’s probably a few tubes stops away. Yes the tube is daunting at first, when you’re 5ft2 & you have men ramming at you with suitcases and women bashing you with their handbags, but you get used to that. So don’t worry. I’m learning to fight my place on the tube; I’m a proper Londoner now. Oh and never stand on the left hand side of escalator because you’re just asking for trouble. Also I’m never sure whether to smile at people on London transport or just to do the standard, I have no soul kind of look. To be honest with you 99.9% of people go for the second one, however it does make my day when I see someone happy on the tube. It’s that rare. Talking of weird occurrences I was especially looked at weirdly when I said thanks to the bus driver, never again. Apparently Londoners don’t do manners, apart from when they sorry when they purposely walk into you. Just makes no sense if you ask me.

Without moving to London I wouldn’t have been able to gain these experiences, shopping on Oxford Street, okay some of you may not find that very amazing but to the girls who love shopping like me, oh it’s so worth it. Going on the London Eye with my boy for Valentines Day for the first time at night with the pretty lights and going to the theatre in Convent Gardens. Oh and experiencing TGI Fridays, godly. I do recommend going if you have one near you. I also wouldn’t have met some lovely ladies who I have thoroughly enjoyed playing netball with for the past few weeks. I wouldn’t have been able to go to the London Aquarium to see the fishies. London has so much to offer, so much to do. And I’m only just getting started. Although my first year is coming to a near end, I am sure my second year will have some more surprises install for me. Not only did I build up the courage to move miles away from my home county. I had to move away my boyfriend, family & best friends. University truly shows you who care about you and who will support you wherever you are. I was nervous I’d come home to no friends, however that really wasn’t the case. Thank god. They have all been right behind me. Of course I miss all of you dearly and there are days where I wish I could just click my fingers and I could be with you. But I think.. I truly believe for once in my life I’m doing the right thing. It’s good to do things you’re scared of, because really why be scared? There’s nothing to fear. And this is a conclusion I’m finally coming to grips with, do what makes you happy, take every opportunity in your stride and remember never fear. As long as you’re happy and you’re doing what you believe is right, go for it.

Have I let myself down?

So this post isn't supposed to be depressing, however it is supposed to answer my question, have I let myself down? I can't help but think I have. In more than one way. I feel as if I could've achieved more however fears have gotten in the way, or pure laziness and lack of determination. I want to succeed and I want to make my stamp, however don't we all. We all dream of being remembered and being something special. However we can all dream it doesn't mean it'll happen. As a young girl I had dreams, many dreams that have felt so far away & out of my reach. University felt like a life time away and so did college and finishing school, yet that's been & gone. I was proud of the grades I left school with & I felt I deserved every single one. No I didn't get all A's but to say I even achieved an A & an A* in one of maths exams & left school with an A* in drama after all of my hard work, it felt amazing. But that's where I feel I went wrong. I planned to go to college to study Drama, Philosophy, Psychology, Graphics & even participate in the Netball academy. However this didn't happen. I was talked out of studying drama & encouraged to take English language instead, although my grade for English at GCSE was only a B this would apparently look far more credible to universities. I was gutted at first however I've always loved English, but being average was never good enough for me, I always wanted better. So I was a little unsure at first. To add to this I decided against joining the netball academy, I felt I wasn't good enough, I felt like I wouldn't fit in, I felt like I wasn't fit enough & it would only distract me from my studies. It was okay I still got to play for fun, so I was happy. Although sometimes I wish I had taken the opportunity up. Maybe I was being harsh on myself, maybe I was good enough? However I will never know.

My first year of college, I struggled. Why I even thought taking Philosophy was a good decision I will never know. I thought I'd perceive life differently afterwards, I thought it would make an important, positive impact. I couldn't have been anymore wrong. Focusing on this lead to me not focusing on my other subjects, my more important subjects & I had nothing to show for it. The extra effort never worked, I still did awful & there was nothing I could do to change that. A year completely wasted. Year 2 was catch up time & absolutely shit my pants time. At the end of this academic year I was going to University. SAY WHAT. Me, Shannon Victoria Cutting would be moving out, miles away from my family & friends. No. However yes, that is what happened. So I dropped philosophy, thank god. I did have a few laughs & a few successful moments, however it wasn't worth the end result. Graphics I put my heart and soul into it & got a grade I deserved. And then there was psychology. I really needed to do something special here. But I just couldn't do it. I feared the exams & didn't revise until it was too late. My long term memory wasn't holding anything in & I walked away with a grade I was ashamed of. The girl studying psychology at university could hardly cope with A-level psychology. What the fuck was I doing. But I had/have a dream. I want to help people. I want to make a difference. I want people to understand mental illnesses for what they really are and how they can tear people apart. I want to help someone overcome their darkest days & see into the light. So what if I didn't do well in a few exams? It doesn't mean I'm stupid. Yes I could have done better, but we've all had a time in our life when we know we could have done better, we know we could have worked harder.

So choosing universities. Someone could have given me a hat of names & I would have chosen any & probably would have been happy that the decision was over. I was scared. I didn't do my research. All I did was find a place that would accept me with what I knew I would achieve. I never thought I'd achieve three B's, not for a single second and I was right. But was I right to never try? I just didn't want to get rejected, I didn't want it to get to the end of summer & me still be stuck at Exeter college while all my friends were achieving and succeeding. The fear of not being good enough, once again got in my way. I had no fourth AS to rely on after failing philosophy all I had was my three a-levels, I was determined to do my best. But my best wasn't really good enough. So I picked some universities with the idea of an adventure, to explore. To put myself out there. London Metropolitan being my end destination. Maybe not a university high in the table, but what can I do now. I'm here and I have to make the most out of it. But there are days where I wish I could turn back time & changes things. I wish I wasn't so scared, I wish I didn't hide from my exams or hide from the reality that I was going to university. At the end of the day no-one forced me, however I felt like I had no other choice. I felt if I took a gap year I'd just waste my time, I just wanted to get in & out of university. But why? Why was I so stupid. This is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, not something you dread. All I want is to be successful, happy, loved & never have to worry about money. Money can cause so many problems. So much unneeded stress, I don't want that in my life. I don't want to worry. I just want to make people happy. Although making sure I'm happy would probably work best for me first.

So yes I have let myself down. But I am determined to change. I am determined to make a difference & turn around this situation. So I have to let go of my insecurities and my worries, I have to try harder & do what makes me happy. Therefore as Pumbaa & Timon would say Hakuna Matata, it means no worries. I can't keep dwelling on things that can't be changed. I just have to focus on the here & now.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.