Surviving Modern Dating - A Young Girl Living in London's Perspective

So modern dating is an absolute mind field, and sometimes can be a demoralizing experience. You completely put yourself out there for people to judge & sometimes it just seems to kick you in the face. Especially if like me you already struggle with self-confidence & are overly critical of yourself to start with. Somedays you will get an absolute confidence boost & on other days you'll feel like "No one will ever love me 😭" - Dramatic I know! But the reality is as humans we crave to be loved and cared for. Even the most independent people enjoy the company of another.

Not only that but we put pressure on ourselves to meet these unrealistic social 'norms'. We need to have a house by X, we need to be married by X and popping out babies by X. But unfortunately life doesn't always fit into these plans we have for ourselves and why should it? When I was younger I imagined by 23 I would feel like an adult and have my shit together, but the truth is I don't feel any different, I don't feel any more of an adult than I did when I was 18. Don't get me wrong a lot has changed, I have changed and I have learned a lot. But this feeling of being an 'adult' hasn't seemed to have occurred. I pay bills, I work, I cook, I clean, I book my appointments to see the doctor/dentist/optician, I even drive but I still don't feel like an adult. I still call my mum if I need to know something, be it how to make the best roast potatoes or what I should do if my tire pressure sign comes on. In all honesty, my mum is a godsend. Also, Dad if you are reading this so are you!

I also feel living in London changes your perspective on life. Everything happens so fast here, yet I feel like everyone has their life on pause. People seem to be less settled and not in the bad sense. Friends outside London seem to be settling down and planning their future with their partners and my friends in London just seem to be trying to themselves. No rush into settling down, just embracing 'London life'. Neither option is wrong, I just find it interesting how different we are.

Coming out of a long-term relationship, the idea of dating and speaking to new people is extremely daunting. You never feel ready. Whether you've been single for a month, a year, 16 months - you never feel like you are ready to put yourself back out there. But sometimes you have to put yourself out there to realise that in fact, you are. But doing that comes with setbacks. Not every person you speak to has the same morals/opinions as you and sometimes a screen changes how we behave. People say things via the internet that they might not say in real life or do things that they might not do in real life. For example, my personal favourite/pet peeve. Ghosting. 👻

I feel like the urban dictionary sums it up well.

Ghosting - The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

This is something I've experienced personally and probably something we will all experience in modern dating. And it's shit. It leaves you feeling confused and questioning what you did wrong/could have done differently. But the reality is nothing. You have probably done nothing wrong and you definitely shouldn't have done anything differently. If someone doesn't like you, for you then screw them and if they didn't even have the decency to tell you then they are definitely not worth your time or your emotions. Easier said than done, trust me I know!

I feel like there is a lot more I could say on this topic but for now, that's me done. Time to get off my ass & out of bed. So I'll leave you here with a picture I found very apt!😂

A bit of a blur

This last year has been good, yet challenging and I suppose I could say the same thing about every year. But this last year, in particular, has been difficult and I'm finding myself feeling a little lost and puzzled. My emotions tend to be an ongoing roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like I'm invincible and I don't give a fuck about what gets in my way because I'll smash it. Other days I feel hopeless, useless and have zero motivation.  And I suppose I'm finding it really difficult to stay focused and positive. From break-ups to job interviews, I've cried on almost every occasion. Watching BGT 5 minutes ago had me welling up, so let's just say I'm extremely sensitive - which sometimes comes in handy, other times it's the last thing you need. Here's an example; when you're in the middle of a job interview and you feel SO overwhelmed your body decides it's a good idea to start crying. I repeat not a good fucking idea. But how many people can say they got a job after crying halfway through? Not many.  I can!

Nevertheless, being an emotional mess can be an exhausting existence. Every day you battle with your mind. Constantly telling yourself 'No Shannon don't react to that - move on, forget it'. But of course, every time you do react to it, whether its feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration - you react to it. Then you feel worse because you reacted to it because you let it bother you! But how do you just switch off? How do you switch off your emotions when it suits you? Without becoming cold..heartless? Someone told me the other day that I'm fantastic at my job but one thing I could work on is my sensitivity, 'You get too emotional'. Which I know is SO true. I know that when I speak with people I feel their emotions; if they're sad, I'm sad! I met an individual for the first time the other day and they were discussing a recent traumatic event & what happened... I bloody teared up. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm a little bit all over the place at the moment. I've come leaps and bounds in the last year, and I appreciate and acknowledge that. But I can't help but feel like there's so much more work to be done.

I came across a post on Instagram earlier which really hit home & is exactly something I should be considering...

5 THINGS TO QUIT NOW...

1. Trying to please everyone
2. Fearing change
3. Living in the past
4. Putting yourself down
5. Overthinking

So I'm a major over thinker and do most things to please other people.  I'm forever second guessing what people are thinking before they've even had the chance to think. I don't necessarily fear change, but I do fear uncertainty and I certainly spend too much time ruminating about past events. These are all things I think a lot of us do, but it is about time we changed that. I also came across another interesting quote which speaks volumes.

"being ignored by the only person you want attention from is one of the worst feelings. We have all felt it. But when you look deep enough, you realise that the person you are really craving attention from is yourself. I think when we feel vulnerable to someone else's attention, it's life telling us that we aren't giving ourselves enough. It's usually a buildup of self-neglect that gets us to such a needy stage. And in essence, that person was the wake-up call: You need to learn how to love yourself again, Stop letting your happiness be dependent on someone else's mood." - Who Says You Can't You Do.

I truly feel this is what I've let happen. I was dependent on another human being for so long that even 10 months on I'm still looking and depending on other people to feel - happy. I'm struggling to just be. I also feel that I let others dictate my mood too much. When really all I need is right in front of me. I'm finally on track to having some stability in my life & I'm about to book my first mini-breakaway in almost 3 years. I'm also seeing my family soon to celebrate my birthday who I haven't seen in 5 months. Not every day is going to be a good day and not every day I'm going to feel like I can take on the world, but it's remembering that every little shitty situation will pass and if you won't care about it in 1 year, then why to waste a second caring about it now.

So here's to finding my way a little bit more each day!