A bit of a blur

This last year has been good, yet challenging and I suppose I could say the same thing about every year. But this last year, in particular, has been difficult and I'm finding myself feeling a little lost and puzzled. My emotions tend to be an ongoing roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like I'm invincible and I don't give a fuck about what gets in my way because I'll smash it. Other days I feel hopeless, useless and have zero motivation.  And I suppose I'm finding it really difficult to stay focused and positive. From break-ups to job interviews, I've cried on almost every occasion. Watching BGT 5 minutes ago had me welling up, so let's just say I'm extremely sensitive - which sometimes comes in handy, other times it's the last thing you need. Here's an example; when you're in the middle of a job interview and you feel SO overwhelmed your body decides it's a good idea to start crying. I repeat not a good fucking idea. But how many people can say they got a job after crying halfway through? Not many.  I can!

Nevertheless, being an emotional mess can be an exhausting existence. Every day you battle with your mind. Constantly telling yourself 'No Shannon don't react to that - move on, forget it'. But of course, every time you do react to it, whether its feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration - you react to it. Then you feel worse because you reacted to it because you let it bother you! But how do you just switch off? How do you switch off your emotions when it suits you? Without becoming cold..heartless? Someone told me the other day that I'm fantastic at my job but one thing I could work on is my sensitivity, 'You get too emotional'. Which I know is SO true. I know that when I speak with people I feel their emotions; if they're sad, I'm sad! I met an individual for the first time the other day and they were discussing a recent traumatic event & what happened... I bloody teared up. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm a little bit all over the place at the moment. I've come leaps and bounds in the last year, and I appreciate and acknowledge that. But I can't help but feel like there's so much more work to be done.

I came across a post on Instagram earlier which really hit home & is exactly something I should be considering...

5 THINGS TO QUIT NOW...

1. Trying to please everyone
2. Fearing change
3. Living in the past
4. Putting yourself down
5. Overthinking

So I'm a major over thinker and do most things to please other people.  I'm forever second guessing what people are thinking before they've even had the chance to think. I don't necessarily fear change, but I do fear uncertainty and I certainly spend too much time ruminating about past events. These are all things I think a lot of us do, but it is about time we changed that. I also came across another interesting quote which speaks volumes.

"being ignored by the only person you want attention from is one of the worst feelings. We have all felt it. But when you look deep enough, you realise that the person you are really craving attention from is yourself. I think when we feel vulnerable to someone else's attention, it's life telling us that we aren't giving ourselves enough. It's usually a buildup of self-neglect that gets us to such a needy stage. And in essence, that person was the wake-up call: You need to learn how to love yourself again, Stop letting your happiness be dependent on someone else's mood." - Who Says You Can't You Do.

I truly feel this is what I've let happen. I was dependent on another human being for so long that even 10 months on I'm still looking and depending on other people to feel - happy. I'm struggling to just be. I also feel that I let others dictate my mood too much. When really all I need is right in front of me. I'm finally on track to having some stability in my life & I'm about to book my first mini-breakaway in almost 3 years. I'm also seeing my family soon to celebrate my birthday who I haven't seen in 5 months. Not every day is going to be a good day and not every day I'm going to feel like I can take on the world, but it's remembering that every little shitty situation will pass and if you won't care about it in 1 year, then why to waste a second caring about it now.

So here's to finding my way a little bit more each day!