Have I let myself down?

So this post isn't supposed to be depressing, however it is supposed to answer my question, have I let myself down? I can't help but think I have. In more than one way. I feel as if I could've achieved more however fears have gotten in the way, or pure laziness and lack of determination. I want to succeed and I want to make my stamp, however don't we all. We all dream of being remembered and being something special. However we can all dream it doesn't mean it'll happen. As a young girl I had dreams, many dreams that have felt so far away & out of my reach. University felt like a life time away and so did college and finishing school, yet that's been & gone. I was proud of the grades I left school with & I felt I deserved every single one. No I didn't get all A's but to say I even achieved an A & an A* in one of maths exams & left school with an A* in drama after all of my hard work, it felt amazing. But that's where I feel I went wrong. I planned to go to college to study Drama, Philosophy, Psychology, Graphics & even participate in the Netball academy. However this didn't happen. I was talked out of studying drama & encouraged to take English language instead, although my grade for English at GCSE was only a B this would apparently look far more credible to universities. I was gutted at first however I've always loved English, but being average was never good enough for me, I always wanted better. So I was a little unsure at first. To add to this I decided against joining the netball academy, I felt I wasn't good enough, I felt like I wouldn't fit in, I felt like I wasn't fit enough & it would only distract me from my studies. It was okay I still got to play for fun, so I was happy. Although sometimes I wish I had taken the opportunity up. Maybe I was being harsh on myself, maybe I was good enough? However I will never know.

My first year of college, I struggled. Why I even thought taking Philosophy was a good decision I will never know. I thought I'd perceive life differently afterwards, I thought it would make an important, positive impact. I couldn't have been anymore wrong. Focusing on this lead to me not focusing on my other subjects, my more important subjects & I had nothing to show for it. The extra effort never worked, I still did awful & there was nothing I could do to change that. A year completely wasted. Year 2 was catch up time & absolutely shit my pants time. At the end of this academic year I was going to University. SAY WHAT. Me, Shannon Victoria Cutting would be moving out, miles away from my family & friends. No. However yes, that is what happened. So I dropped philosophy, thank god. I did have a few laughs & a few successful moments, however it wasn't worth the end result. Graphics I put my heart and soul into it & got a grade I deserved. And then there was psychology. I really needed to do something special here. But I just couldn't do it. I feared the exams & didn't revise until it was too late. My long term memory wasn't holding anything in & I walked away with a grade I was ashamed of. The girl studying psychology at university could hardly cope with A-level psychology. What the fuck was I doing. But I had/have a dream. I want to help people. I want to make a difference. I want people to understand mental illnesses for what they really are and how they can tear people apart. I want to help someone overcome their darkest days & see into the light. So what if I didn't do well in a few exams? It doesn't mean I'm stupid. Yes I could have done better, but we've all had a time in our life when we know we could have done better, we know we could have worked harder.

So choosing universities. Someone could have given me a hat of names & I would have chosen any & probably would have been happy that the decision was over. I was scared. I didn't do my research. All I did was find a place that would accept me with what I knew I would achieve. I never thought I'd achieve three B's, not for a single second and I was right. But was I right to never try? I just didn't want to get rejected, I didn't want it to get to the end of summer & me still be stuck at Exeter college while all my friends were achieving and succeeding. The fear of not being good enough, once again got in my way. I had no fourth AS to rely on after failing philosophy all I had was my three a-levels, I was determined to do my best. But my best wasn't really good enough. So I picked some universities with the idea of an adventure, to explore. To put myself out there. London Metropolitan being my end destination. Maybe not a university high in the table, but what can I do now. I'm here and I have to make the most out of it. But there are days where I wish I could turn back time & changes things. I wish I wasn't so scared, I wish I didn't hide from my exams or hide from the reality that I was going to university. At the end of the day no-one forced me, however I felt like I had no other choice. I felt if I took a gap year I'd just waste my time, I just wanted to get in & out of university. But why? Why was I so stupid. This is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, not something you dread. All I want is to be successful, happy, loved & never have to worry about money. Money can cause so many problems. So much unneeded stress, I don't want that in my life. I don't want to worry. I just want to make people happy. Although making sure I'm happy would probably work best for me first.

So yes I have let myself down. But I am determined to change. I am determined to make a difference & turn around this situation. So I have to let go of my insecurities and my worries, I have to try harder & do what makes me happy. Therefore as Pumbaa & Timon would say Hakuna Matata, it means no worries. I can't keep dwelling on things that can't be changed. I just have to focus on the here & now.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.