So here's my story on living with Paruresis.
Let's start with a simple definition. Paruresis is a type of phobia in which the sufferer is unable to urinate in the real or imaginary presence of others, such as in a public restroom. Thank you wiki. It may sound like a odd fear to have for some of you, or maybe some of you have experienced a slight form of paruresis. However it can affect your life dramatically.
Since I can remember I've never been fond of using public toilets, for whatever reason. But I never really realised I had a problem until I was about 8/9. I would never use the toilet at school, I would unconsciously drink less so I didn't need the toilet, I'd struggle to go to the toilet at friend's houses and sometimes never even try. However at this age I never felt terribly affected. Apart from when me & my family drove to the French Alps. The car journey was roughly 14 hours long and it was an annual journey every February holidays. Each year I would go to the toilet once before we left and once at our arrival, never while travelling. Until one year where I suffered agonising stomach pains, we stopped 3-4 times along the motorway before I managed to go toilet and I was in this pain for probably a few hours. You would think if a child was going through this pain when they finally reached a toilet, they'd just go, right? No. Not me. I couldn't. I couldn't physically go. I tried and I tried but I couldn't.
As the years passed and I grew up and became a teenager, things became slightly more difficult. It began to become more of a problem. My body worked on a cycle, I woke up I went toilet, I went to school, I came home I went again. Never once did I need to go throughout the day. But then I reached the end of high school when parties became more of a regular occurrence and alcohol was a normal consumption. So like everyone else I drank, but I'm sure everyone knows how alcohol makes you need to wee more frequently. This became a problem. So much of a problem, I feared going out with my friends to parties because I thought I wouldn't be able to go and I'd end up putting myself through excruciating pain for a couple of drinks and calling my dad to pick me up. That's right. I couldn't physically make it through a party because I'd be in so much pain that I needed to go home. At one party I actually fainted due to the pain. I was embarrassed, completely ashamed of myself. I'm not normal I told myself. And then the anxiety began to build and build. Until I reached 18 when all my friends were going out but I had to make excuses because I was too worried that I wouldn't be able to go toilet. I felt pathetic, ridiculous, a joke to everyone. How do you explain to your friends that you're not coming out because you're worried you won't be able to go toilet?
I tried a few times to face up to my fear. I tried forcing myself to go out, but there were times I just ended up in tears and calling my dad to pick me up. Writing this, I feel embarrassed. But I know I shouldn't. I know it wasn't my fault and still isn't my fault and I have nothing to feel embarrassed about. But it doesn't stop the anxiety in my head, the feelings of stupidity. When you try to explain Shy Bladder to a person, it's hard, I often got responses like "Yeah, I get that sometimes" or "Why don't you just go, it can't be that hard", my thoughts at this point are "they don't understand, not really", "they tell me to go like it's that simple, if it was I would have gone". I only told people I had to, only people I truly trusted. It's easy to tell someone you understand something but you never truly do until you've walked in their shoes.
Paruresis got to a point where it was taking over my life and affecting my health. I wasn't consuming enough fluid, it was causing me headaches and to be dehydrated, I would avoid certain social situations and my anxiety levels were through the roof. It got to a point where I couldn't even urinate in my own home or friends homes, for the first few months of mine and Khaled's relationship I couldn't go toilet with him around. But once I explained everything to him, he was the most understanding and supportive person. He never once judged or laughed or made me feel uncomfortable. He's one of the main reasons I've come so far. I began cognitive behavioural therapy in 2013, where once a week I'd have a short phone call with a therapist, this then progressed to hourly one to one weekly sessions throughout my first year of university. At the end of the academic year I moved back home, the therapist and myself decided that I'd take a break from therapy and see how I coped over the summer period. I've come so far since then, but I never really understand how I did it and what changed. All I know is that I became less anxious in myself, less concerned about other people and their thoughts of me and I was just fully open with new people I met. I made sure I put myself in the environment that I dreaded and I made sure I became more and more successful. The successful occasions I had, the better I felt within myself. I'm not saying I'm completely cured and there aren't days when I find it difficult and I feel like I'm back where I started but I'm saying it can get better. With the right support and help, things will improve.
I'm not really sure why I shared this story, maybe a small part of me thought this may help someone else, or maybe for my own good. I don't need to hide anymore, I have nothing to be embarrassed about. So anyone who got this far thank you. This is just a step further in my journey. But as soon as I post this, that's it. No more hiding it, no more being embarrassed. So that's it for now. I shall be posting another blog soon summarising my Summer and my feelings towards my final year of university.
Much love,
Shannon x
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