Today is the day - or not.

So if you're reading this now, I've bucked up the courage to post this. Part of me didn't want to, but another part of me thought it would help.

So today was the day I was supposed to be proud. The day that these last three years have been building up to. I was supposed to feel excited. I was supposed to feel like I've actually achieved something. But the reality is, today has been nothing like that. I woke up just after 8, receiving messages from my excited friends regarding the day ahead. I was happy for them, but I couldn't help but feel sad. Sad because I was supposed to be joining in on those messages, sad because my parents were supposed to be here feeling proud. Today was supposed to be my graduation. But it's not.

The last few months have been a roller-coaster, not to mention the months before leading up to those months. April/May was crazy. Full of essays, due dates, exams and the dreaded dissertation. On the 31st May, I received the amazing news of getting a first in my counselling module. I was ecstatic. Nothing could take it away from me. I wanted to cry with joy, because I knew I deserved it. However little did I know, it was all about to go very down hill from here. All year I've been performing my very best, until June. Where I received the most upsetting/terrifying news - you may think I'm being dramatic, but I'm sure many other uni students understand the emotions I was going through, so it was the day I was receiving the results for my last ever essay. A day full of emotions. I felt relatively calm compared to my normal feelings when receiving results; normally my stomach is in twists and my palms become all sweaty at the thought of my results being released. Just before I was about to leave to see the Lion King with some amazing friends, I had the email informing me about the release of my results. So I logged onto my account and nervously refreshed the page to see...

a big FAT 0. 

So at first I was like there must be some mistake, maybe my grade hasn't been released yet, and it's just a simple computer error. Therefore I emailed the head of the module to find out what was happening to receive the worst email ever. I don't even want to say it. Because I still feel embarrassed. But we're all friends here right? My work had been put in for plagiarism. Yep, that's right PLAGIARISM. My worst university nightmare. Immediately I broke into tears, as I felt everything shatter around me. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, angry, distraught, shock, sadness... I truly didn't know what to do with myself. How do you handle a situation like this? I was meant to leave to meet my friends, but I didn't want to. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just sob. Writing this now, I still want to cry. I still feel ashamed. Although I know, deep down this isn't my fault, and I shouldn't be ashamed of something I did not do. So the night went on, I got myself together and found myself on the tube to Covent Garden. I don't know how because in reality, I didn't want to be anywhere but my bed. But I tell you now, I do not regret for a second carrying on with my day and going to see the Lion King, it managed to lift my spirits in ways I didn't believe possible at the time. Hakuna Matata.

A few days passed and I managed to get an email together to appeal the alleged offence. I kept myself busy, working full time occupied my mind - and I know I had done everything I possibly could have done. Although playing at the back of mind was the fact this may stop me from graduating in July with all my friends. So I sorted a meeting with one of my lecturers who has been absolutely amazing through all of this! He then informed me that I wouldn't be able to graduate until December. So not only was this affecting my overall degree classification, but it was now affecting the one day I was so excited for. The last page of my university chapter.

When I thought it couldn't get much worse, I then received my grade back for my dissertation and Neuroscience exam - to find out I was 1% off a 2:1 in my dissertation and I failed my exam meaning I was 1% of a 2:1 in my Neuroscience module as well. So things were looking shit. I found this out while at work, where I soon after just became a zombie - luckily it was only an hour before I finished so as I got on the packed Victoria line to Finsbury Park I began to cry. Tears were ending up on the gentleman's leg who was sat in front of me - fortunately; he didn't notice (that really would have been embarrassing). So that was it, all the long days, tears and sleepless nights were for nothing - or so that's how I felt. All my friends were receiving classifications of 2:1 and above and I was there feeling like a failure. An embarrassment.

So the decision was made I had to resit the Neuroscience exam in the attempt to bring up my grade - it was possible. But I didn't have the energy or the motivation. I was working 40 hours a week and volunteering once a week as well. I was physically and mentally exhausted. But with the help of my friends, family, boyfriend and my amazing lecturer, I found the motivation to keep trying. I wasn't about to give up, not with out a fight. So days passed, and I still hadn't received an email in response to my alleged offence and the exam was edging nearer. Half of me didn't see the point in resitting the exam if the penalty imposed upon wasn't going to change as at the end of the day, the exam was only a small difference in the grand scheme of things.

Every day I saw more pictures and statuses of people's amazing university achievements. And all I could think was why me? I don't go out and drink, I attended over 95% of my lectures, I work hard, I give every piece of my work my all - but it's not enough. I didn't do enough. But as the month ended, I began to feel more hopeful - a small part of me thought this may all just become sorted and I might get to go graduation after all. But I think that was me being overly hopeful.

So I've resat the exam & I'm finishing up my essay to hand in on Monday. I'm still angry and frustrated, but all of this has made me stronger. Although a small part of me still wants to give up and chuck in the towel, another part of me knows that I should keep going. I didn't move away from my family, friends and loving boyfriend to give up now. I moved here to make a difference and to get closer to my dream career.

SO here's to not giving up - and carrying on with what I started. I may not be coming out with the classification I feel I deserve but I should still be proud of what I've achieved.

♡ Hakuna Matata ♡