Surviving Modern Dating - A Young Girl Living in London's Perspective

So modern dating is an absolute mind field, and sometimes can be a demoralizing experience. You completely put yourself out there for people to judge & sometimes it just seems to kick you in the face. Especially if like me you already struggle with self-confidence & are overly critical of yourself to start with. Somedays you will get an absolute confidence boost & on other days you'll feel like "No one will ever love me 😭" - Dramatic I know! But the reality is as humans we crave to be loved and cared for. Even the most independent people enjoy the company of another.

Not only that but we put pressure on ourselves to meet these unrealistic social 'norms'. We need to have a house by X, we need to be married by X and popping out babies by X. But unfortunately life doesn't always fit into these plans we have for ourselves and why should it? When I was younger I imagined by 23 I would feel like an adult and have my shit together, but the truth is I don't feel any different, I don't feel any more of an adult than I did when I was 18. Don't get me wrong a lot has changed, I have changed and I have learned a lot. But this feeling of being an 'adult' hasn't seemed to have occurred. I pay bills, I work, I cook, I clean, I book my appointments to see the doctor/dentist/optician, I even drive but I still don't feel like an adult. I still call my mum if I need to know something, be it how to make the best roast potatoes or what I should do if my tire pressure sign comes on. In all honesty, my mum is a godsend. Also, Dad if you are reading this so are you!

I also feel living in London changes your perspective on life. Everything happens so fast here, yet I feel like everyone has their life on pause. People seem to be less settled and not in the bad sense. Friends outside London seem to be settling down and planning their future with their partners and my friends in London just seem to be trying to themselves. No rush into settling down, just embracing 'London life'. Neither option is wrong, I just find it interesting how different we are.

Coming out of a long-term relationship, the idea of dating and speaking to new people is extremely daunting. You never feel ready. Whether you've been single for a month, a year, 16 months - you never feel like you are ready to put yourself back out there. But sometimes you have to put yourself out there to realise that in fact, you are. But doing that comes with setbacks. Not every person you speak to has the same morals/opinions as you and sometimes a screen changes how we behave. People say things via the internet that they might not say in real life or do things that they might not do in real life. For example, my personal favourite/pet peeve. Ghosting. 👻

I feel like the urban dictionary sums it up well.

Ghosting - The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested. Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings, but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated how he/she feels.

This is something I've experienced personally and probably something we will all experience in modern dating. And it's shit. It leaves you feeling confused and questioning what you did wrong/could have done differently. But the reality is nothing. You have probably done nothing wrong and you definitely shouldn't have done anything differently. If someone doesn't like you, for you then screw them and if they didn't even have the decency to tell you then they are definitely not worth your time or your emotions. Easier said than done, trust me I know!

I feel like there is a lot more I could say on this topic but for now, that's me done. Time to get off my ass & out of bed. So I'll leave you here with a picture I found very apt!😂

A bit of a blur

This last year has been good, yet challenging and I suppose I could say the same thing about every year. But this last year, in particular, has been difficult and I'm finding myself feeling a little lost and puzzled. My emotions tend to be an ongoing roller coaster. Sometimes I feel like I'm invincible and I don't give a fuck about what gets in my way because I'll smash it. Other days I feel hopeless, useless and have zero motivation.  And I suppose I'm finding it really difficult to stay focused and positive. From break-ups to job interviews, I've cried on almost every occasion. Watching BGT 5 minutes ago had me welling up, so let's just say I'm extremely sensitive - which sometimes comes in handy, other times it's the last thing you need. Here's an example; when you're in the middle of a job interview and you feel SO overwhelmed your body decides it's a good idea to start crying. I repeat not a good fucking idea. But how many people can say they got a job after crying halfway through? Not many.  I can!

Nevertheless, being an emotional mess can be an exhausting existence. Every day you battle with your mind. Constantly telling yourself 'No Shannon don't react to that - move on, forget it'. But of course, every time you do react to it, whether its feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness, frustration - you react to it. Then you feel worse because you reacted to it because you let it bother you! But how do you just switch off? How do you switch off your emotions when it suits you? Without becoming cold..heartless? Someone told me the other day that I'm fantastic at my job but one thing I could work on is my sensitivity, 'You get too emotional'. Which I know is SO true. I know that when I speak with people I feel their emotions; if they're sad, I'm sad! I met an individual for the first time the other day and they were discussing a recent traumatic event & what happened... I bloody teared up. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm a little bit all over the place at the moment. I've come leaps and bounds in the last year, and I appreciate and acknowledge that. But I can't help but feel like there's so much more work to be done.

I came across a post on Instagram earlier which really hit home & is exactly something I should be considering...

5 THINGS TO QUIT NOW...

1. Trying to please everyone
2. Fearing change
3. Living in the past
4. Putting yourself down
5. Overthinking

So I'm a major over thinker and do most things to please other people.  I'm forever second guessing what people are thinking before they've even had the chance to think. I don't necessarily fear change, but I do fear uncertainty and I certainly spend too much time ruminating about past events. These are all things I think a lot of us do, but it is about time we changed that. I also came across another interesting quote which speaks volumes.

"being ignored by the only person you want attention from is one of the worst feelings. We have all felt it. But when you look deep enough, you realise that the person you are really craving attention from is yourself. I think when we feel vulnerable to someone else's attention, it's life telling us that we aren't giving ourselves enough. It's usually a buildup of self-neglect that gets us to such a needy stage. And in essence, that person was the wake-up call: You need to learn how to love yourself again, Stop letting your happiness be dependent on someone else's mood." - Who Says You Can't You Do.

I truly feel this is what I've let happen. I was dependent on another human being for so long that even 10 months on I'm still looking and depending on other people to feel - happy. I'm struggling to just be. I also feel that I let others dictate my mood too much. When really all I need is right in front of me. I'm finally on track to having some stability in my life & I'm about to book my first mini-breakaway in almost 3 years. I'm also seeing my family soon to celebrate my birthday who I haven't seen in 5 months. Not every day is going to be a good day and not every day I'm going to feel like I can take on the world, but it's remembering that every little shitty situation will pass and if you won't care about it in 1 year, then why to waste a second caring about it now.

So here's to finding my way a little bit more each day!

2017 In Review

2017, you’ve been a whirlwind. That might even be an understatement.I’ve lost people, I’ve gained people and established my huge passion for mental health than ever before. I’ve become stronger, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve cried until I was sick and laughed until I cried. I’ve met some absolutely incredible people and I’ve ignited old friendships and made them stronger. People who I’ve known for less than a few years have been my absolute rocks.

But most of all I’ve done myself proud. I’ve finally let myself be myself. I’m still on a long journey until I’ll be happy with myself, on the outside and the in. But I feel like these small steps have made a world of difference. I’ve made decisions for myself, not for others. I’ve put myself first. And it feels GREAT. I went through a shit time where I felt like I’d never be good enough and at times these thoughts still stick with me. But I am slowly trying to break barriers down, to build my confidence back up and just be happy being me. It is hard to please yourself when you’re a perfectionist. Nothing you do is ever really good enough, you’re your own worst critic. This makes it hard to do anything. Because no matter how hard you try or how much you put into something you never really feel satisfied. But I’m working on it.

This year I started and completed my postgraduate diploma in mental health practice and I loved it. Okay, so I didn’t love the heavy workload and working 6 days a week for most of the year had its downfalls. However, I am so glad I did it. I met some amazing people, service users and colleagues. Memories I simply won’t ever forget. I felt like I was finally heading in the right direction. However, the last month or so has been difficult, going from full time employment on peanuts to now only having a part-time job. Not only am I broke, I don’t have any stable income and I don’t know when it’s going to change. I could just move home, but no I don’t ever pick the easy option. This year has made the decision whether going home or staying in London a little easier to make. And I’ve decided to stay. But to make that certain, I need to get off my ass and apply for jobs like my life depends on it. Well it kinda does. I’ve loved living in London and I’m not ready for this chapter to end. So I’m going to work my ass off and make sure it doesn’t. Call me crazy.

So not only did I start my career in mental health, my beautiful nephew was born and my best friend from the age of 7 is expecting. Like holy shit. I also made some amazing memories with one of my best-friends, smashing a world record in the process. Standard, right? I’ve seen my two nieces flourish and grow into hilarious, intelligent girls. I’ve been out to brunch more times in the last year than I think I have in my whole life and I went to a wedding as a mother fucking mermaid. I got my first tattoo, small but still I got a f’ing tattoo. Madness. I’ve explored London like never before finding so many cute places to eat. I know I have a food problem. Found a new love for the gym and caramel coffee. I finally went to see Matilda, year made. Worked with some amazing people and found a new love for halloumi. 

I’ve conquered some of my social anxiety and actually went out for drinks – seems like nothing, right? But to me that is amazing. Don’t get me wrong my paruresis (shy bladder) hasn’t disappeared, I’ve discovered that. But it’s so much better. And my social anxiety, fluctuation in moods does get the better of me from time to time. However, my new love for reading has helped a lot. I’ve read some amazing self-help books from ‘Mad Girl’ by Bryony Gordon to ‘Reasons to stay alive’ by Matt Haig, and lots of other amazing books like ‘I see you’ by Clare Mackintosh. I’m hoping the fresh year will help me to keep moving forward and carry on doing the things I love. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I think I am ready to take on the challenge.

2018, let’s DO this.

Finding my feet

A few months have passed since I last posted and I just thought I'd do a general update on how I'm feeling and where I'm at. A few months ago I wrote a post on "How life can change" and sure in hell it can. It is strange how people you spent so much time with can become strangers and people who were once strangers can now be extremely important people in your life. These last few months have been a journey, a journey of self-discovery and persistence. After a big life event, you sometimes find yourself feeling lost like you've been 'chucked off your path'. But things don't have to stay that way.

The first month was strange. I found myself constantly feeling like I was never really there. I'd be in the presence of someone but I wouldn't really feel like all of me was there. I was super sensitive to anything. Crying at songs playing in the car or adverts on the t.v. Trying to persuade myself that I was okay by keeping myself busy, but I wasn't. Although keeping yourself busy is a great way of preoccupying your mind and it does work to a point, you will also find times where your mind manages to find it's way back to those negative thoughts anyway and sometimes that might happen in the strangest of places - on public transport, in one of your lectures, or when you're at work; and it's learning how to deal with those situations that is important. I'm not saying there is a straight answer because there definitely isn't. I wish I knew what the best technique was but I don't think there is one because everyone is different and we all deal with our emotions in our own unique way. But I do know that it is okay to feel sad and to let yourself just feel. Don't be angry with yourself when you feel like crying and don't put yourself down. It's easy to lose our self-esteem and it's easier to persuade ourselves that we're bad people and we're not worthy of positive things, then telling ourselves we are good enough.

But we are worthy and we are good enough. 

Having positive people around you is key, and realising that not everyone who enters your life is there to stay and that's okay. People will come in and out of our lives, but along the way, they'll always teach us something. But it's important that we hold onto the ones that impact us positively, the ones that make us smile and laugh, the ones who check up on us when we're going through a hard time or just simply the ones who show us they care. Life is short and it's easy to spend time with people just because we're scared of what our lives would be like otherwise. But if a person isn't adding to your life and merely just hindering you in your growth then why have them there. I'm not saying every person that leaves your life is a bad person, sometimes as people, we grow apart and it's better for two people to go their separate ways then force something that is false and holds one another back.

These last few months I've spent time focusing on myself and working towards my goals and enjoying my favourite people's company. I wouldn't be where I am without them. Without people constantly supporting me and rooting me on. Showing me that life can still be fun and I can still smile. And to be completely honest with you I've felt so content, to just be myself. Doing what I please and only having to worry about myself. I've been able to focus on my career and put 100% into looking after myself. I definitely find motivational quotes a massive help to keeping my mind positive and focused. It's easy to spend so much time comparing yourself to the people around you, especially with social media. People constantly updating you with their amazing life - but the truth is we only share the good bits because who the hell wants to tell everyone that they're going through bouts of depression or their boyfriend just cheated on them. It would be crazy. And would also just fuel the keyboard warriors - those people who hide behind their screens insulting others to make themselves feel better. So if you don't get anything from reading this blog post, at least let me tell you this - Don't compare yourself to others. Just stop. Even though our lives look pretty, they're probably not. We're all going through our own shit. It's not all fluffy and magical as much as we may make out it is.

I'm slowly finding my feet and learning to embrace the changes in my life. Working towards my end of goal of just helping people. I've got a month or so left of my course and then the next chapter begins. And the next 2 months are going to crazy full of deadlines, exams and looking for a job while trying to just keep on top of general life. However none of it is going to stop me celebrating my favourite time of year, CHRISTMAS! So yeah, here's to another crazy 2 months of life. 

Because to feel happiness is possible again.

Shannon x

How life can change

A year ago I sat in this very place writing a blog post about how my life has been an absolute roller coaster. Little did I know in a years time I'd be sat here again, feeling the very same feelings.. but worse. It's funny how much can happen in a year. A year ago I was fretting about my university classification, a year later I'm fretting about my whole entire life. This time last year was hard, but right now is harder. In the end, everything worked out last time, so I'm of little hope that it might happen again. I ended up graduating with a 2:1 and got accepted onto a postgraduate diploma in mental health practice. I thought things were finally going my way. But little did I know, things were about to 180. 

After 4 years of being in a relationship with someone, I saw my future with it ended. This blog isn't going to include the graphic details of my relationship or a bitch fest. Nor is it a sympathy request. 

When you've been with someone a long time or you find someone you have a strong connection with, you begin to imagine a future. A future together. You plan your life with that person. You make decisions around that person. So when suddenly that person isn't there anymore, your mind doesn't know how to cope. For the first week, I felt lifeless. I felt like a body with no real existence. I felt pointless. My friends and family were insane. They kept me going when I didn't know how. It's true that an end of a relationship really shows you who your true friends are. People spoke to me who I haven't seen in a year/s. They made me realise that it's okay to feel shit. It's okay to not know what to do or how to feel. They told me not to be so hard on myself and that if I needed to cry then I should cry and if I wanted to smile I should smile. There's no right or wrong. But time is a healer.

When people tell you time is a healer you just want to scream in their face, FUCK YOU. Because at that time you feel like it can never get better. But it's true, time helps. Don't get me wrong, a couple weeks/months won't have you feeling like your normal self again. But you will cry less and you will smile more as the days go on. However you will have bad days, but the bad days will also be met with good days. You will smile again and you will laugh. On the days you feel like crying, cry. But not for too long. Make sure you pick yourself up. And talk. Talking helps. 

Nearly 2 months have passed and I can't actually believe it. It still feels so fresh. But at the same time, I can see a difference in myself. I feel stronger. And I've learnt to put myself first, although I am struggling. I'm finding myself feeling insecure and my social anxiety creeping in. Worrying that I'm becoming a burden or people are getting fed up with me. To add to this, I feel like my whole future has just crumbled. I have 6 months to decide what the fuck am I doing with my life. And believe me, 6 months isn't long when you're going to be working 45.5 hour weeks plus writing countless essays and trying to somehow keep your bank balance in the green. I am scared. No, actually I am petrified. But at the same time, I feel like the worst has happened so really nothing else can make this any harder.  I've got my goal and I'm just going to work towards it. I may be scared, but I know I am strong. I know I can do this. And the negative thoughts are merely thoughts. They are not facts. 

You are your own happiness and you are the author of your life. So if you're not happy, change it. Do something. Don't sit there and pretend. Because life is too short to spend it unhappy and unfulfilled. Just because everyone else is popping out babies and getting engaged doesn't mean you have to too. We all have our own clock and fuck societies expectations. I'm 22. I'm single. And I'm still in education. I live in a house share and none of that is about to change anytime soon. It makes me laugh that I thought as a child I'd have my shit together by now, marriage and children!? No thank you. I absolutely love my nieces and nephew, but that's enough right now. And bounding myself to one person for the rest of my life. PFFFT. Like I said I am still a child. I want to live. I want to find myself. I want to go wherever life takes me. So right now wasn't my time, and that's okay. But that doesn't mean I am some unlovable human being like I told myself I was. 

I am me. And that's just perfectly fine. 

P.S to all my girls out there who may be going through it or have been through it, Destiny's child really helps! #femaleboss

Hi again.

So this whole blog was designed for me to share my experiences from moving from a small city in Devon to the second largest capital in Europe. I feel like I should cite my source here, too much studying clearly. However, although I haven’t written many blog posts, it’s never too late or inappropriate to start.

I turn 22 next week and the whole idea slightly scares me, but then I was kindly reminded that I shouldn’t be scared, I should be proud. I moved to London in 2013 – I think, and since then I’ve completed a BSC in Psychology and I’m now working for the NHS still striving towards my end goal of.. well.. helping people. I’m not 100% on the exact position I’m working towards, but wherever I end up I want to make a difference.

So yeah. Not many people can say they moved away from all of their friends and family and have successfully built a new life with new friends and a new home. I’m not saying I’ve moved on from my friends or home, that could never happen. My school friends are some of the most amazing people in my life. But they’re slaying life too, so I couldn’t exactly be the odd one out right? Did I actually just use the word ‘slaying’? Looks like it. Anyhow what I’m saying is never doubt what you’re capable of because one day you’ll wake up and surprise yourself. I spent my first night away from home crying and the first year of university feeling pretty isolated, but I knew these feelings weren’t forever.

By year two I was friends with a lovely group of girls who pulled me through some shitty times. Even my final year of my undergrad was no easy ride, there were tears, sleepless nights, countless amounts of energy drinks and who knows how many days spent at the library. But I did it! It then came to the end of the year where I had to decide whether I wanted to carry on my studies in London or move home with my family and boyfriend. It was a difficult situation, it meant another year away from my family and boyfriend and working full time to cover rent and bills. YES, I became an adult. Or should we say a pre-adult? It’s the stage after being a student but not being a full blown adult. It consists of earning enough money to house and feed yourself.

So I took the leap and decided to stay in London for another year to complete a postgraduate diploma in Mental health studies. This is where I was welcomed with 6-day working weeks and 1 day weekends. Brilliant right? Not all bad if you can prioritise which tbh I think I’ve got pretty good at. As I type this I am actually meant to be finishing my essay due in for Thursday but instead thought it was a great idea to write a blog post. Oops. So there’s still room for improvement. However, I think I’m doing pretty well – better than the average student. I’ve really enjoyed my first few months of working on a mental health forensic ward – if someone asked me a couple of years ago I would have never imagined myself here. Some people think I’m crazy and others have literally no understanding of mental health.

I truly believe that so many people take their mental health for granted. People are so quick to slate others and assume anyone with a mental health problem is ‘batshit crazy’. So what if someone has a mental disorder? It doesn’t make a person any less, nor does not having a mental disorder make you any better. Until you’ve walked in someone else's shoes you can’t make assumptions. There are too many unwell people in this world to scared to talk to others due to the fear of being judged or misunderstood. I just wish that people would treat people with mental health problems like they treat people with physically health problems.

However, this blog isn’t meant to be me ranting about what’s wrong with today’s society, because believe me that blog would be long. It’s about realising how far I’ve come and about what’s still to come. I guess I’m scared because after January I’m not really sure what's next for me. Do I apply for a masters? Do I move home? Do I look at PHD’s? If so, WHERE? And don’t even get me started on everything else. One thing I’ve learnt is everyone's clock is different and just because society says you have to get married at this age and have a child at this age, you don’t have to. Just because Dom, Dick & Harry are doing something, doesn’t mean you have to, too. Do what’s right for you, when it’s right for you.

So if I could give any tips to 16-year Shannon who was just about to start their A-levels I’d say, don’t stress, you’ll get there! Your hard work will pay off and you are about to meet some of the most amazing people and make some of the most incredible memories. Oh and you can be loved and you most definitely won’t be forever alone. And even if you were alone, that’s okay too. Don’t be scared to be yourself and seriously a-levels are not worth your tears. Just keep being you, because apparently, that’s working out just fine.

If you’ve made it this far, I’m extremely impressed. And if you didn’t.. well shame on you. So here’s to another year of amazing memories and who knows where I’ll be this time next year!

Lots of love,

Shan x