A loss of motivation

Do you ever feel lost? Do you ever feel like there's no point in moving from your bed because nothing seems to change. Do you ever feel like you're lacking so much motivation all you want to do is sleep yet when it's time to sleep all you seem to do is stay awake. Do you ever feel like there's no point in trying because you keep trying but you never seem to be getting anywhere. Do you spend every second of each day attempting to motivate yourself but keep losing the battle to 'what's the point'.

 I've been having one of those months. One of those months where you just constantly feel like you're losing. Recently I've come back to university for my second semester and I really felt like I was in my element in my first semester back. Settling into my new home with my two flatmates and getting closer to my friends at university. I finally felt like I was starting to belong. That London could be a second home and as much as I miss my family, friends and boyfriend, London could still keep me happy. I went out for my first time in Watford which was an experience in itself. As last year I wasn't much of a fresher, I never went out and I drunk all of 3 times. Some people may find that odd, some people may not even have a view on it. Let's just say my first year wasn't what I expected. It definitely wasn't the stereotypical university life I anticipated, nonetheless I learnt lessons and grew as person, becoming more independent and more confident. Overall I felt like I studied well and was pleased with my end result a 2:1. Especially as I had a job too at the time, which I didn't love but I was happy to be employed as being a student in London, money is very important. Or should I say being a student at all, money is very important. However more for others than some.

So summer passed and second year begun, I went in with all intentions of being organised, motivated and finding a job in the first few months of being back in London. However that didn't all go to plan. Organised, yes. Motivated, sometimes. Job, well yes but no. So I managed to stay organised however motivation is a funny one. It comes and it goes. Especially when you feel like you're not seeing the end result you deserve. So I got two pieces of coursework back and an exam result, all 2:2's. Which isn't bad but isn't what I wanted especially as how determined I was and how much extra work I felt I put into the assignments. So that set me back a bit. I tried to not let it bother me, but it did, it does. I try and try and try, but I just don't succeed. Then I finally found myself a job as a carer, I was very apprehensive but still chucked myself at it. However after a weekends worth of training and my induction, I realised the job wasn't for me. 5 sleepless nights and a worried mind wasn't my idea of having a job. Yes I needed the money, but I remembered my health comes first. I respect every individual who does that job, but right now I couldn't do it. So once again I'm back to looking for a job. I've now tried over 50 different companies but I'm still yet to get an interview opportunity. I'm just praying that someone will give me a chance. You'd think with three years of retail experience from the age of 16 would make finding a job easier but it hasn't and it's getting to me. I'm beginning to doubt my capabilities, when I really shouldn't be. I just want that bit of independence back. Knowing I can do what I like without having to worry about having no money. My student overdraft is great but it's not money. Once that's gone it's gone. And I'd rather spend that on something important like food or rent than anything for myself. I hate having to rely on others. I hate feeling like I'm a strain, I just want to be independent. I want to have my own money. I'm going to keep trying in hope of someone taking me on. I'm desperately trying not to lose motivation. I'm trying to do my best and I'm trying to work hard. I know I'm good enough and I know I'm capable of doing well. I just think I needed some time to self reflect in order to give myself another push.

So listen to me now, when you think you're alone you're not. Everyone has their own problems and their own worries. And I'm sure yours feel big now, so big that they'll never disappear. But they will. Things will get better and things will change. You only have to think back to a year ago today to see that things will change. In the past few years I have truly started to conquer one of my biggest worries and I never thought it was possible. I always thought I was going to be that weird kid. But I did it and so can you.

It's never as bad as it seems.